While I enjoy sport, the Super Bowl holds very little interest to me. Sure, it's a big event with plenty of splendour and history, but it's also based around a sport that's achingly slow.
Naturally the only bit that holds my attention are the special commercials, and this year the Super Bowl was stacked with car ads galore. So, from Kia to Audi, here they all are ... ranked in our unscientific order of preference.
6th: Jeep Gladiator
If you're pursuing the enthusiast dollar, it's probably not a wise idea to crush an example of what they love in your advertising.
Granted, it's probably safe to assume that Jeep didn't destroy a fully operational, mint-condition retro Jeep Gladiator in the making of this commercial for its contemporary namesake. But, that hasn't stopped Jeep fans from being angry and perhaps slightly emotional.
"Crushing any older Jeep is like killing a unicorn!" said one YouTube commenter. "This goes to show you the people at Jeep aren't really automobile enthusiasts," said another. And there are dozens upon dozens of similar opinions online.
To-crush-or-not-to-crush aside, the rest of the ad reads a bit ... shallow. That same 'How you like me now?' song from Horrible Bosses, paired with the idea that the new Gladiator is so tough that it can decimate a car crusher? Nah.
5th: 'Wizard' — Toyota Supra
The Toyota Supra, a car that's meant to be engaging and exciting, had one of the most bland ads of the Super Bowl break.
Sports car power-slides and jets through a series of 'pinball' obstacles, with regular cuts to the driver smiling away (as if to say "hey, look! He's having fun! This car is fun to drive! Hey!"), before ending with a dramatic slide in front of a big screen featuring its own name up in lights.
It's a stark contrast to the way the Supra is being marketed in Japan, where the focus is on the engineering and effort put into its creation (just don't mention all that BMW Z4 platform-sharing stuff, OK?).
The only saving grace of this Supra ad is that the whole thing is meant to be a modern homage to this delightfully '80s ad for the Toyota MR2. Kinda cool.
4th: 'Cashew' — Audi e-tron GT
Depending on how you look at it, Audi's entry to the Super Bowl fold was either really sweet, or a wee bit morbid.
The crux of the advert is that an office worker is choking at his cubicle on a cashew nut and, while going unconscious, a hallucination takes him to a joyous dream state where he's shocked to see his Dad (who, I guess is dead in real life?) and where he gets a slick Audi e-tron GT.
Audi are normally the kings of Super Bowl car commercials, but this one is more weird than inspiring.
3rd: 'Cowboys Talking' — Ram
The last people on earth you'd expect to hear fourth-wall breaking marketing cynicism from are cowboys, which is probably why Ram's ad is so amusing.
It's a commercial that touches on how weird the whole Super Bowl commercial hysteria usually is. And it plays to that hysteria too — given that it's a huge 90-second advert that mostly just features a couple of dudes spit-balling about puppies and babies.
"Puppies and babies man, people love them."
2nd: 'The Elevator' — Hyundai Shopper Assurance
Jason Bateman stars in the second Horrible Bosses throwback in this story.
Hyundai's entry is a bit corny and a bit lame, but plays on the standard view that buying a new car is an excruciating experience — ranking somewhere below getting called for jury duty, attending a vegan dinner party, and giving your kids 'the talk'.
"You're body's changing, my body changed, even grandma's body..."
Bateman's lines and humour pull this through, making it an amusing watch even if most of us will have a hard time believing that Hyundai's shopping experience will be quite as heavenly as the one depicted.
1st: 'Give it Everything' — Kia Telluride
This leave's Kia's ad for their new SUV, the Telluride.
In short it's a well shot, beautifully delivered ad that supports the brand's production plant in West Point, Georgia. Poignant, given the political focus on car manufacturing in America right now.
Touching and thoughtful, to the point where I'm even willing to overlook the huge and kind of funny 'DO NOT ATTEMPT' fine-print on the footage of the Telluride wading through water in slow motion.